I've got a clean slate here. A perfectly white piece of paper. College ruled whiteness just yearning to be scribbled on, but I haven't a thing to say. Metaphorically, I mean...
I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because I have been just amazingly busy. When I blogged in the past (not this site), I usually did a lot of political blogging. While I have and plan to do some of that here, I don't want to make it the focus of this site. I'm not here for anyone else other than me, so I'm not going to keep readers on the edge of their seats with my posts. My main goal in blogging isn't to have the numbers that some of the major blogs have. I'm here for my own sanity - to, in some way, put myself on paper, to vent and release.
One of the main themes of this blog is my life. If you go back and read through the archives, or if you've been reading this banter since its inception, I do a lot of "not a lot going on in my life" type of blogging. I know that the 1.78 readers I maintain are probably close family and friends (who never comment!!), but to be honest - and not to be mean - I don't blog for you either. It's nice to know that you read this stuff, probably so as to not hurt my feelings if I ever say "Hey! Did you read my most recent post?", but this is really for my own escape.
Unfortunately in my life, I don't have enough escape. Especially this year, I spend most of my time on the road, where I am obligated to cater to other people. I have subordinates who need to be watched over and I don't get a lot of time to focus on me. When I am at home (Nashville), most of my time is absorbed with doing paper work. The absolute sheer volume of paperwork I have to do this week is mind numbing, and I hope I can process it all before I have to fly out Sunday. Lastly, I rarely get to escape to my real home in Chattanooga. I haven't seen my friends and family since January (I think), and that's extremely depressing. I notice when I talk to my family especially, there are things going on that I'm just not privy to. Not that they keep it from me or don't want me to know what's going on, it's just that I'm not apart of their lives anymore. Being a single person and not having someone to communicate with on a personal level, that's probably one of the most disheartening things I've ever experienced.
I am a young person and I'm in a great position as far as my career goes. My life is one giant blank canvas, an empty page waiting to be written on, but what I'm painting and writing is in no way any type of legacy, at least not from a personal point of view. I don't get to paint life with people, or write about personal experiences. I paint office spaces and write about living in hotels. When I'm old and look back on those paintings, I'm going to wonder why I didn't paint people I know, or write about friends and family. What will I ask myself when I'm 80 years old, sitting in an old rocking chair on the porch of my house? Will I hate myself? Will I still be alone? Or will I have the love of my life (whomever she may be) bringing me a glass of lemonade as we sit on the porch together watching our grandchildren play in the yard?
All this just to say I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do about it. I don't know that I really want to do anything about it at this point, but I know there is a void in my life and it's not being filled with the things God intended to be there. If I'm not careful, I will eventually fill that empty space with something that's not supposed to be there. I believe that we have designated spaces in our hearts for different things, like music, love, family, friends, etc. We can fill those spaces with good and righteous things, or we can fill them with decay which will eventually bleed over and rot out other areas of our hearts.
I'm not seeking any advice, and I'm not bitching in any way about my life. This is just one of many observations I've made this year as my life has been quiet, but in an extremely chaotic way. I am carefully examining this life I live and trying to figure out if I want to stay on my present course, or if I need to hang a right on the upcoming fork in the road. Again, I'm in a great position as far as my career goes, but will I sacrifice everything for a job? For a cushy bank account? Will I continue to fill those voids in my heart with material things, or will I finally fill the voids with things that really matter? Can I accomplish that on this present course? That's the million dollar question.
Well, I have to call my travel agent, because it seems as if she has messed up my flight plans for next week.